I'll paint that X over your eyes.

Bored.

2005-11-07T19:41:20Z

Of course I'm back in Henley's. I'm caught up with everything here for the most part.
Tonight I'm doing all my history work.
I'm also going to work on that damn guitar piece I've been putting off forever.
My article for science maybe?

Life has been life. The band did the filming on Saterday which went well. Met some cool people. I don't know whats up with me lately. I just don't really care anymore. I do, but not at all near the same extent. My main focus is on getting out of here. As far away from here as possible and the less ties I have the better. I don't see importance in anything here. I don't see a future or just something to look forward to where I am. I'm not sad. I'm not "depressed", I'm not angry. I'm just seeing things the way they have always been and the way I haven't wanted to let myself see them.

Well it's about time that honesty has been given a chance. I've been lying to myself for way too long. I don't need to feel inferior to people. I don't need to sugar coat things. If I think it, I should have enough respect for myself to verbalize exactly what I feel. Lying to yourself is the worst sin in my eyes. Lying to yourself and painting a pretty picture of something that never was and never will be.

I'm the happiest I've ever been. Which is a lie. To be honest I'm nothing. I'm just here. I feel like I'm putting things on the back burner to save myself some wasteful tears and sweat. Effort and energy that hits a wall and will just sit. Why not store it for a time when it will be just a little bit productive?

Who I am is fake. I disgust myself. I'm pulling myself away in hopes of finding who I really am and coming back strong enough to show that despite my insecurities. I've shown one face for too long and now it's almost like I'm fighting my own "identity".

I'm losing and gaining at the same time. I'm losing friends, I'm losing material things, I'm losing whatever of a social life I had, but I'm gaining knowlege on myself and i'm gaining my true identity. I'm growing into my old skin and sometimes maybe letting things that you've held onto JUST to have.. but never really had any true value to you.. if just a step in coming clean.

Beginning of this year I knew a lot of people. I told everyone my business. Absolutely nothing was private with me. I was loud, I hated myself. I'd go against what I felt was right for me just to satisfy these people for only a moment. My sole purpose was to entertain. I'd make myself public eye just so they'd have something interesting to pry at. I knew that and I wasn't comfortable.

Well i'm 16. Almost 17. It's about time I'm honest with myself.

I'm not a loud person. I'm not interesting. I'm barely funny. I'm VERY emotional. I feel things a lot more than I let on. I'm selfish. I'm not putting people in front of me anymore. I'm not giving anyone the advantage over me. I'm a very angry person. I dislike things I can't even put into words. I'm basically fed up with things I can't even place. I just know I'm angry and theres this constant sense of that beneath my skin.

I have a distaste for everything recently.

I'm very confused right now.
I'm going in and out of how I feel.

I just want out. I want to go home. I don't like seeing these people every day.

...

2005-11-03T19:14:01Z

I have a yucky grade in this class. It's not that I don't do the work. The assignments I'm fine on. It's the quiz's ect. I bomb.. ugh.. I hate this..

I'll be on academic probation if I don't pull this up. I'm also having issues in Algebra 2.. but so far nothing really to panic about. I really need to get on top of my game. Its really hard for me to pull school away from the arts. I know that sounds cliche but it really is. It's so easy for me to think "okay. I don't want to do this. I'll write this instead and focus on this because I'm stressing over the other thing." Eventually the artistic outlet becomes like this "woe is me, I'll get out this stress here and for the time being drop the stressor.."

The stressor haunts me though when I'm faced with it eventually.

It's not working for me..

Tonight. I swear to myself I will clean my room. That's the first step. Clean out the clutter so I can focus.. then i'll study for that test I have tomorrow in Algebra 2.. do that and redo all my history work because I lost it.. Get that done. What happened to me being so on task? I should probably learn that damn guitar piece also. I've been putting it off.. science tomorrow? anything due? no. So history tonight and Algebra...

I'm sure this will change once I'm home and the enviroment is different.

I'm getting frustrated with myself and my lax work ethic. I don't see any importance really in what I'm learning deep inside. All that matters to me are my emotions and my outlets.. everything else although in reality is probably by far more substantial doesn't stand on the same level. I must realise though i wil not survive if I don't pass highschool. I'll have my art, duh.. but that does at time take money.. and I will need to eat..

I can't just submerse myself in something for temporary relief.

It's like a drug almost. I feel bad. I feel stressed. I go to that. I let go of everything else and fall into that. Stay there until I come out feeling resolved.. then once i'm faced with it again I fall right back to the easiest way of coping.. which figured is that outet. I just get nothing "practicle" done.

I need to be stricter with myself.

Sigh.

hack_me @ 2005-11-01T14:57:00

2005-11-01T20:08:24Z

Again I'm back in Henleys.. bored..
I just failed my chord quiz. Oh well. The funny thing is.. I can make the chords, I just can't make them for four part harmony.
Ugh Henley..
He graded my test but didn't mark the ones that were wrong wrong.. So I thought they were right. He gave us the options of fixing our tests, so me being sure the ones that WEREN'T circled were right.. didn't correct those and focused on the ones that were circled wrong.
Well he calls me up and says they were ALL wrong even though he didn't mark them.
uh hello? Who's error is that? I can't read minds.

Yesterday was awesome. I saw Savy <3. Halloween. Hell yeah. We all had a great time.

"I offer grace, I offer blood, I offer everything til' my heart is crystal clear."

Life is okay for now. Nothing really going on. I have a CRAP load of homework to do tonight. Fogarty is top priority.
Here comes an april list.
1) Come home.
2) Let dogs out.
3) Clean ROOM. No sitting and being ADD. Get my ass in gear.
4) Eat Dinner.. then help Dad with Halloween stuff.
5) All of Fogarty's work. No distractions.
6) Computer break.
7) If theres time work on American history homework which is piling up..
8) Last but not least. Guitar. Thats not top priority though.
9) Sleep
10) In the morning do article for Science class.

Okay that isn't too bad. I have a habit of getting on the phone or online and not doing anything. Even IF Diego or Savannah calls I'll work while I'm on the phone with them. I can't let my grades drop.

Boooooorrrreeeedddd... I'm done with everything in this class I'm sure. I don't have my calculater with otherwise I'd be doing math right now. I'm trying to think if theres anything i CAN do right now..

"I'll set the world on fire.. and it's burning light.. I'll write my first love song.. and I will feel warmth".

You all know what I'm listening to. <3

BOOORRREEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD...

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.. oo this is a good song..
I'm just going to write stuff as it comes to me.
wooooooooooooooo confuzzled. I realy don't want to be bohered.
I like this song..

"We are the wakeful, wry, and watchful.. we are awaiting deathless onesssssss!!!
The story at three with the shrillest of cries.. my mind fights with the sparkles in the corner of my eyes..
So whats sleep? SLEEP! I'm tired so tired.. but it seems theres someone here with me."

pretty part..

"I hear the morning choir.. sing to me... their Eligy.. I hear the morning chiooorrrr...... sinng to me.. their eligy..
sing to me... I hear the morning choir.. SO BEAUTIFUL.. sing to me.. their eligy.."

Booorrreedd.....
bleh.

hack_me @ 2005-10-28T14:46:00

2005-10-28T18:55:02Z

I'm in my AP theory class right now.. can't get on Xanga or myspace.. so i'm on LJ.. Me and my friend just finished studying our chord inversions and I've already completed my 5 tone composition. So I'm pretty much done with everything.

Today has been okay. I don't feel comfortable writing it all out on here. I'm gunna call Savy on the bus and chat with her. I need girl talk. Hopefully her phone is on. Diego is great for "girl" talk too.. but some stuff it's easier to talk to Savannah about..

I'm so bummed right now. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It's going to be a good day for me.. I'm going to the mall with Savannah and Diego. It's going to be a great time. Lot's of laughs I'm betting. Those two crack me up and I really want them to meet. They'd get along so great. We could be like the trio. <3

Tomorrow after the mall I'm also filling in 2 songs in my Dads band because his singer couldn't make it. He's playing at the Ale house and it's going to be nice. I'm singing an Alanis tune (which I do good) and a Pat Benatar one. I sounded good yesterday. Despite having somewhat of a cold I'm not as nasaly as usual.. I guess because I'm hoarse :-P..

I'm trying my hardest to be happy. School ends in 45 minutes. Then I board the bus and go home. Diego can read me really well and I honestly don't feel like talking about this with anyone besides Savannah. He picks up on everything. I make things obvious though, I can't hide my emotions. My face isn't a good poker face. Jake said when I smile and I'm not exactly happy my eyes don't have the same sparkle. My eyes always tell how I'm feeling. Their tricky..

I don't like to deny myself my emotions. So I guess if I feel anything I let it consume me. Which isn't the best at times.. but it's sort of what I do naturally I guess.. (unlike my hair color).

Ugh. Speaking of hair color.. It's fading.. I'm buying dye. I NEED to redo it. It's bugging me. Never bleach your hair for any reason.. even to make highlights look brighter.. it NEVER goes away........

Listening to music.. I wanted to DL on here and burn it to my CDRW.. but the computer blocks me from doing that.. what a whore ugh... theres some stuff I wanted and I have dial up at home so I can't get it. It's such a butthead.............

woo

2005-10-06T18:48:53Z

Check out the bands website.
www.autumnflame.com
I need to change my bio on there. I sound like an idiot. I didn't take Pat seriously when she told us to write it, so I did a really poor job. Oh well's.

hack_me @ 2005-10-04T14:13:00

2005-10-04T18:15:00Z

Well no more boyfriend. I ended it. I'm officially over it to be honest. I had a like breakthrough today. I've been upset all week and something just clicked and yeah, I'm fine now. I guess it's getting used to the bullshit. I don't need to deal with that anymore.
Alrighty luke is reading over my shoulder. So i'm going to shush.
Nosy nosy. nosy brit.

hack_me @ 2005-09-15T06:46:00

2005-09-15T10:48:45Z

The human species is horrible.
Selfish.
Self-destructive.

I dislike two-faced people.

Wow

2005-08-30T23:31:33Z

I have a boyfriend. He's beautiful and has the best personality ever.
I miss my best friend Savannah. I had a dream about her last night.. I'm going crazy.

hack_me @ 2005-07-28T09:47:00

2005-07-28T13:48:13Z

Lot's of stress.. Not fun. I have a lot to bring up with my Dad, I'm not trying to think about that though. I don't like feeling stressed.

I emailed him. That's all I can do. He won't care, right? It's a photoshoot. What harm can come of a free band photoshoot? It's on a Saterday also and it's not an all day thing..

Everything will be fine. I'm just the biggest worry wart.

hack_me @ 2005-07-23T08:31:00

2005-07-23T12:39:47Z

I am definately a freak. Well my family is rather odd. I was upset yesterday about a picture of ants ransacking a drum set so I called Savannah crying. She made me laugh about it. I love her to death. Then I got off the phone and was being all emo again. My Mom comes into the room with her guitar and starts singing "Keith is a cry! Keith is a cry! Keith is a crybaby!" over and over and over again (jokingly though. she doesn't mean that really. She was just trying to make me feel better). It was making me pissed. She kept going though. She followed me through the whole house with the guitar.

Then she wouldn't talk to me. She'd sing everything and make it over dramatic and she'd start singing about her experiences with "Flip Flop Phil", "Big Head Bob" and "Gay man Harry" and "FILTHY Rich". It was actually funny.. She made me feel better.. Rich was a dirty pig though.. gah.

Soo.. yeah... I'm totally nuts and as is my mother. Unique though.

I also confronted her about some stuff yesterday concerning things I saw when I was little in Dad and her's relationship. I got the honest answers. Some I pried into a little too much.. but I'm satisfied.

My hair is cut. I like it. It's cute. The color is kick butt also.

Alrighty byes.

hack_me @ 2005-07-22T05:18:00

2005-07-22T09:19:23Z

You know.. I forgot who's who on my friend list.. That's pretty sad.

hey I resurrected my journal!

2005-07-21T13:15:27Z

I'm back folks. :-)

Thank's to Morgan letting me know it was possible. I have two years worth of stuff on here that would have been horrible to lose.

Basically how this works is.

Shadazzle is my "I don't give a crap what anyone thinks when reading this. Private thoughts. You don't like it, screw you." type thing.

Hack_me (this one) will be a typical journal. I prefer my Xanga.. but if I get bored I'll update this also.. I may just use this as a picture journal. Who knows.. it's just here.

and my Xanga (Newo_ikkan) is my -real- journal.

Asta la bye bye folks.

hack_me @ 2005-04-15T06:19:00

2005-04-15T10:20:46Z

Oh, and yesterday we got another member added to the band's family. Luke is now playing keys with us.

Everyone say hi and be sociable!

Weird dream last night.

2005-04-15T10:13:05Z

Appearently the band had broken up because I moved away and my father got them back together as a surrise for me at this party type thing. Before we played I walked up to each of them and gave them a hug and was really excited to see them. I remember asking Keith how things were going with Tiffany and telling him thats awesome. Ect. So we played.

Afterwords this man was giving us cards. We each took one. I gave mine to my Dad though..

Well a few days later I somehow find out that Will has gone missing and is probably dead. I freaked out and called his house to find out if it's a joke. But when I do I get a "CHild has gone missing from this residence.. If you have any information." I was flipping out. I started like crying uncontrollably and my Dad came in. I asked how long he was mising for. And he said "two days.." From that I knew he was dead. And I flipped out even more.

I called Keith and was crying on the phone to him and he got weirded out and hung up on me. And Brian as usual I couldnt get in touch with..

Then I remembered the cards. I asked my Dad if he still had mine. I was pretty sure that guy was the kidnapper who took Will. So I called back his house. And left the info on the messaged..

There was a dream after that where the highschool band was playing "live wire" and I had an idea to cover that with my band.

I don't know.. but the Will disapeering dream scared me so much. I really care a lot about these boys. I woke up crying from that one, it's pathetic.

hack_me @ 2005-04-13T20:51:00

2005-04-14T00:53:01Z

The world is ending. I don't even understand why I keep pushing things. I guess I'm holding on to hope so I won't go nuts. I know once I let go of that I'm going to be gone. Everything around me isn't going to be here in a 100 years.. Maybe 50 years even. It means nothing. Completely erased.

hack_me @ 2005-04-12T16:53:00

2005-04-12T20:54:19Z

Haha, sorry Vikash about the arm and the bus window thing. You + Any type of Window = Physical pain.

hack_me @ 2005-04-12T10:36:00

2005-04-12T14:41:15Z

I got kind of upset this morning at a friend of mine. I will not mention names, but she feels that basically dedication to your art means you have no life. Completely attacked another friend of mine with this and made a comment to me about it.

Let's just say I was livid. First off, why are you even in an arts school in the first place? I'm sorry I don't have millions of friend, I'm sorry he doesn't go anywhere, but hey if it's what he loves to do then leave him be. To start with someone over their dedication to the art they wish to pursue is WRONG.

Also knocking another musician is WRONG. You never do that. It's so disrespectful. Also to be honest I've never seen you play drums, so who are you to knock him?

My life IS my bass. It IS my band. I DO have a life. I'm happy with what I do. What life do you have? Really? If we're going to get nitty gritty about this tell me. I don't see you playing gigs every other weekend and going places, winning stuff. Getting into the news paper.

Wow, funny that someone who has "no life" would have their band mentioned in the local paper. Kind of a contradiction.

But hell, what do I know?

hack_me @ 2005-04-11T22:07:00

2005-04-12T02:08:34Z

X AutumnWind x [10:06 PM]: I want people to explode
xbeaverxcodex [10:07 PM]: I want to explode people

Battle Cries from Szabo's.

2005-04-11T19:25:43Z

laneyc1117 : what the fuck
laneyc1117 : I'M RIGHT HERE
bassnewo : I know I'm learning a lot by trying to get pass websense
laneyc1117 : *waves*
bassnewo : lol I'm sorry. I clicked that by accident
BUZZ!!!
bassnewo : ......
bassnewo : war
BUZZ!!!
BUZZ!!!
BUZZ!!!
laneyc1117 : dsf
BUZZ!!!
bassnewo : zap!
BUZZ!!!
laneyc1117 : Zip!
bassnewo : *goes into matrix mode*
bassnewo : Zop!
BUZZ!!!
laneyc1117 : *putson sunglasses and leather...*
BUZZ!!!
bassnewo : ------- ------ ------- XXXXXXXXXXBOOM!XXXXX
BUZZ!!!
laneyc1117 : d
BUZZ!!!
laneyc1117 : ah shit.. that was the WTC
bassnewo : Is that.. that.. cryptonite??
bassnewo :
laneyc1117 : would you still call me superman?
bassnewo : no your fucking crazy
laneyc1117 : we're in Szabo's class
laneyc1117 : my kidneys hurt

hack_me @ 2005-04-11T14:30:00

2005-04-11T18:28:39Z

Kayleney fixed my back. It's still eh but a lot better. She realigned it.

Thanks Kaylene :)

Wrote this just now, on about two hours sleep for Arringtons.

2005-04-11T09:24:37Z

Corpse 1 - Did you die with meaning?

Corpse 2 - Yes, I believe so. At least that's what I've been told.

C1 - Oh really? What if I told you that was a bunch of bullsh*t?

C2 - I wouldn't listen.

C1 - Oh, because people don't die without a reason correct?

C2 - Yes.

C1 - Let me ask you, have you seen the lght?

C2 - No. I'm waiting.

C1 - It's not coming.

C2 - Huh?

C1 - Don't even bother waiting. You've died without reason.

C2 - When I brought that gun to your face I assume you died with reason then?

C1 - Moron. no. I'd be in "heaven" right now eating grapes if such was so.

C2 - Oh snap. Hahaha. Your arm just fell off.

C1 - Dumba**

-----------

Uncle Sam - Welcome to hell.

C1 - Finally. You're god?

Uncle Sam - No I am neither.

C1 - I only gave you one option.

C2 - Great it's you.

C1 - Hello again.

C2 - Where are we?

U. Sam - The moon? No really. I am here to pollute your mind with common misconceptions about your death. I am here to try to give meaning to the war.

C2 - This I'd like to see..

U, Sam - Which one has a wife back at home with a baby on the way?

C1 - That would be me.

U. Sam - She will be living in a free world without a father. I guess that's comon sense though.

C2 - Can I please just pass?

U. Sam - Sure. Be careful not to lick the walls or piss off the orange people. Most of all though do not drink the chocolate.

C2 - Huh?

U. Sam - Don't you love America? I just comercialized your death. Thanks for serving your country!

hack_me @ 2005-04-11T04:43:00

2005-04-11T08:50:18Z

Albert, me and Nick's the incredibly tall one.

Keith's little sis Haley. I told her to do her best impression of Keith. Pretty good right?

Here's Keith trying to be all cool. I have dirt on him. :) He says I mean the world to him as a bassist and as a friend. <3 MWHAHAHA.

The shoes. :)

Brian looks damn sexy. haha.

hack_me @ 2005-04-11T04:20:00

2005-04-11T08:31:48Z

Party was interesting last night. Nick was over since like noon. Good times. We had a lot of fun and were being our dorky selves.

As usual it wasn't long until Will and Brian lost some clothing and brian gained a dress.. Funny stuff... our block will never be the same.

Some stuff went on last night that was kind of odd. Keith was ditched and felt horrible. I made sure to cheer him up, then the minute he wasn't ditched anymore he disapeered. Oh well..

I threw my back out pretty bad and it's still out. It was all in all a great time. Keith's mom was completely blown out, pretty funny. She was making me dosey doe with her. She's a lot of fun.

My dad shockingly loves Nick a little too much lately. He invited him to stay the night because it was like midnight and Nick had to go all the way to St.Aug. We were going to have a all night music fest I think but Nick went home anyway.

Will's Mom loves me too much. She told my grandma that I'm the "perfect match for Will". She says "Although Will dates sluttly girls now I want him to eventually end up with April or a girl a lot like her" Made me feel good. Why do the Mom's always like me but the boys don't? Figure that out for me please.

I think freshman's hat is still on our flagpole who knows..

Jeremy Miller and me had somewhat of a cake fight. The whole party was crazy. The later it got the more nuts it got. Nick and Jessica fell asleep outside andw e forgot they were outt here when everyone went home. They just appeared an hour later and were like "hello?"

I think Seth got himself wasted, but who knows with him. lol

hack_me @ 2005-04-10T08:16:00

2005-04-10T12:26:52Z

Today should be rather interesting. Nick has to leave at four so he's the only person I'm allowing over at noon (my Dad won't flip out about him.). He's bringing a live DVD of one of Coheed's concerts so we're going to be dorks and watch that and then he's gunna let me burn a crap load of CD's off of him because I'm a poor dork.

I'm actually excited right now. I know in a few mins my Dad's going to get up and we're going to have to cart the PA outside and set it up. It shouldnt be too bad. We do have to bring the board out though because we're running the CD player through that and out through whatever speakers he desides to bring out.. I have a feeling he's going to pull out the huge JBL one's we never use, just because of the size and they sound good. Who knows? We're not going to have to bring out all the moniters though, and not bringing out the bass amp, and my Dads Marshall should save us some carrying.

The music selection should be decent today considering my Dad's an old metal head. He says he can't play all of that all the time though because we want our family to stay. So it's going to be a good mix. My Dad does a halfway decent job as a DJ.

My house is nuts but I think you folks will like it. Decorating wise it makes no sense. We have model's my Dad has made of half naked warrior girls on display all over the house. A life size tomb raider cut out in the band room. Swords (both real and recast.. two weighted correctly) on display everywhere. And randomly you'll find a Halloween decoration we liked too much to put away.

My room is pretty interesting too. It smells permanentally of incents (blame Savannah for getting me into them). Theres a lot of interesting objects in there too that I just have from years of collecting things. So it's very mix and match. I love it though. It's my collective.

hack_me @ 2005-04-09T20:24:00

2005-04-10T00:25:17Z

I fed the clues of a lost day killed in motion.
But I thought of it so like there's no other way it could've been done.
Will they size my fit for a puzzle I wish not to play a part in it?
A heart stained in hate, a feeling of fear will play circles.

But you, you were my favorite.
But you, you know, you were my favorite.

I severed my ties to shroud this body under the streets of this city.
And wait for the day when I am summoned to walk across the face.
Well, slowly but clearer now, in visions that play and plague memories.
I loved them with all as the son should to mother and father.

But you, you were my favorite.
But you, you know, you were my favorite.

Would I walk through the door, shedding the light of all life?
With the rise and reform, would I come as before?
Pray you're not the only one
Pray you're not the only...

If given mistakes, would I take them back?
If erasing them could, if erasing them would.
But would they be the words that I would say?
Your face and a door between.
I've parted three ways,
For you, the Newo that I love.

Did you ever really know before my face shamed to break?
Did you ever really know before my mind scared to think?
Did you ever really know before my name son to these?
Did you, did you, did you come clean in the end from the start?

Dear Ambellina, the Prise wishes you to watch over me.
Dear Ambellina, the Prise wishes all to watch over me.
I fought the decisions that call and lost.
My mark has the revelant piece in this.
I will come reformed.
In short, for the murders of those I court,
I bless the hour that holds your fall.
I will kill you all!!

I will call you (I will cross you out!) (Dear Ambellina...)
Out from shelter (...the Prise wishes you...)
Burn your wings (Burn your wings!) (...to watch over me)
You'll know no better/And learn their letters (Burn the core)