Of course I'm back in Henley's. I'm caught up with everything here for the most part.
Tonight I'm doing all my history work.
I'm also going to work on that damn guitar piece I've been putting off forever.
My article for science maybe?

Life has been life. The band did the filming on Saterday which went well. Met some cool people. I don't know whats up with me lately. I just don't really care anymore. I do, but not at all near the same extent. My main focus is on getting out of here. As far away from here as possible and the less ties I have the better. I don't see importance in anything here. I don't see a future or just something to look forward to where I am. I'm not sad. I'm not "depressed", I'm not angry. I'm just seeing things the way they have always been and the way I haven't wanted to let myself see them.

Well it's about time that honesty has been given a chance. I've been lying to myself for way too long. I don't need to feel inferior to people. I don't need to sugar coat things. If I think it, I should have enough respect for myself to verbalize exactly what I feel. Lying to yourself is the worst sin in my eyes. Lying to yourself and painting a pretty picture of something that never was and never will be.

I'm the happiest I've ever been. Which is a lie. To be honest I'm nothing. I'm just here. I feel like I'm putting things on the back burner to save myself some wasteful tears and sweat. Effort and energy that hits a wall and will just sit. Why not store it for a time when it will be just a little bit productive?

Who I am is fake. I disgust myself. I'm pulling myself away in hopes of finding who I really am and coming back strong enough to show that despite my insecurities. I've shown one face for too long and now it's almost like I'm fighting my own "identity".

I'm losing and gaining at the same time. I'm losing friends, I'm losing material things, I'm losing whatever of a social life I had, but I'm gaining knowlege on myself and i'm gaining my true identity. I'm growing into my old skin and sometimes maybe letting things that you've held onto JUST to have.. but never really had any true value to you.. if just a step in coming clean.

Beginning of this year I knew a lot of people. I told everyone my business. Absolutely nothing was private with me. I was loud, I hated myself. I'd go against what I felt was right for me just to satisfy these people for only a moment. My sole purpose was to entertain. I'd make myself public eye just so they'd have something interesting to pry at. I knew that and I wasn't comfortable.

Well i'm 16. Almost 17. It's about time I'm honest with myself.

I'm not a loud person. I'm not interesting. I'm barely funny. I'm VERY emotional. I feel things a lot more than I let on. I'm selfish. I'm not putting people in front of me anymore. I'm not giving anyone the advantage over me. I'm a very angry person. I dislike things I can't even put into words. I'm basically fed up with things I can't even place. I just know I'm angry and theres this constant sense of that beneath my skin.

I have a distaste for everything recently.

I'm very confused right now.
I'm going in and out of how I feel.

I just want out. I want to go home. I don't like seeing these people every day.

I have a yucky grade in this class. It's not that I don't do the work. The assignments I'm fine on. It's the quiz's ect. I bomb.. ugh.. I hate this..

I'll be on academic probation if I don't pull this up. I'm also having issues in Algebra 2.. but so far nothing really to panic about. I really need to get on top of my game. Its really hard for me to pull school away from the arts. I know that sounds cliche but it really is. It's so easy for me to think "okay. I don't want to do this. I'll write this instead and focus on this because I'm stressing over the other thing." Eventually the artistic outlet becomes like this "woe is me, I'll get out this stress here and for the time being drop the stressor.."

The stressor haunts me though when I'm faced with it eventually.

It's not working for me..

Tonight. I swear to myself I will clean my room. That's the first step. Clean out the clutter so I can focus.. then i'll study for that test I have tomorrow in Algebra 2.. do that and redo all my history work because I lost it.. Get that done. What happened to me being so on task? I should probably learn that damn guitar piece also. I've been putting it off.. science tomorrow? anything due? no. So history tonight and Algebra...

I'm sure this will change once I'm home and the enviroment is different.

I'm getting frustrated with myself and my lax work ethic. I don't see any importance really in what I'm learning deep inside. All that matters to me are my emotions and my outlets.. everything else although in reality is probably by far more substantial doesn't stand on the same level. I must realise though i wil not survive if I don't pass highschool. I'll have my art, duh.. but that does at time take money.. and I will need to eat..

I can't just submerse myself in something for temporary relief.

It's like a drug almost. I feel bad. I feel stressed. I go to that. I let go of everything else and fall into that. Stay there until I come out feeling resolved.. then once i'm faced with it again I fall right back to the easiest way of coping.. which figured is that outet. I just get nothing "practicle" done.

I need to be stricter with myself.

Sigh.

Again I'm back in Henleys.. bored..
I just failed my chord quiz. Oh well. The funny thing is.. I can make the chords, I just can't make them for four part harmony.
Ugh Henley..
He graded my test but didn't mark the ones that were wrong wrong.. So I thought they were right. He gave us the options of fixing our tests, so me being sure the ones that WEREN'T circled were right.. didn't correct those and focused on the ones that were circled wrong.
Well he calls me up and says they were ALL wrong even though he didn't mark them.
uh hello? Who's error is that? I can't read minds.

Yesterday was awesome. I saw Savy <3. Halloween. Hell yeah. We all had a great time.

"I offer grace, I offer blood, I offer everything til' my heart is crystal clear."

Life is okay for now. Nothing really going on. I have a CRAP load of homework to do tonight. Fogarty is top priority.
Here comes an april list.
1) Come home.
2) Let dogs out.
3) Clean ROOM. No sitting and being ADD. Get my ass in gear.
4) Eat Dinner.. then help Dad with Halloween stuff.
5) All of Fogarty's work. No distractions.
6) Computer break.
7) If theres time work on American history homework which is piling up..
8) Last but not least. Guitar. Thats not top priority though.
9) Sleep
10) In the morning do article for Science class.


Okay that isn't too bad. I have a habit of getting on the phone or online and not doing anything. Even IF Diego or Savannah calls I'll work while I'm on the phone with them. I can't let my grades drop.

Boooooorrrreeeedddd... I'm done with everything in this class I'm sure. I don't have my calculater with otherwise I'd be doing math right now. I'm trying to think if theres anything i CAN do right now..

"I'll set the world on fire.. and it's burning light.. I'll write my first love song.. and I will feel warmth".

You all know what I'm listening to. <3

BOOORRREEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD...

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.. oo this is a good song..
I'm just going to write stuff as it comes to me.
wooooooooooooooo confuzzled. I realy don't want to be bohered.
I like this song..


"We are the wakeful, wry, and watchful.. we are awaiting deathless onesssssss!!!
The story at three with the shrillest of cries.. my mind fights with the sparkles in the corner of my eyes..
So whats sleep? SLEEP! I'm tired so tired.. but it seems theres someone here with me."

pretty part..

"I hear the morning choir.. sing to me... their Eligy.. I hear the morning chiooorrrr...... sinng to me.. their eligy..
sing to me... I hear the morning choir.. SO BEAUTIFUL.. sing to me.. their eligy.."

Booorrreedd.....
bleh.

I'm in my AP theory class right now.. can't get on Xanga or myspace.. so i'm on LJ.. Me and my friend just finished studying our chord inversions and I've already completed my 5 tone composition. So I'm pretty much done with everything.

Today has been okay. I don't feel comfortable writing it all out on here. I'm gunna call Savy on the bus and chat with her. I need girl talk. Hopefully her phone is on. Diego is great for "girl" talk too.. but some stuff it's easier to talk to Savannah about..

I'm so bummed right now. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It's going to be a good day for me.. I'm going to the mall with Savannah and Diego. It's going to be a great time. Lot's of laughs I'm betting. Those two crack me up and I really want them to meet. They'd get along so great. We could be like the trio. <3

Tomorrow after the mall I'm also filling in 2 songs in my Dads band because his singer couldn't make it. He's playing at the Ale house and it's going to be nice. I'm singing an Alanis tune (which I do good) and a Pat Benatar one. I sounded good yesterday. Despite having somewhat of a cold I'm not as nasaly as usual.. I guess because I'm hoarse :-P..

I'm trying my hardest to be happy. School ends in 45 minutes. Then I board the bus and go home. Diego can read me really well and I honestly don't feel like talking about this with anyone besides Savannah. He picks up on everything. I make things obvious though, I can't hide my emotions. My face isn't a good poker face. Jake said when I smile and I'm not exactly happy my eyes don't have the same sparkle. My eyes always tell how I'm feeling. Their tricky..

I don't like to deny myself my emotions. So I guess if I feel anything I let it consume me. Which isn't the best at times.. but it's sort of what I do naturally I guess.. (unlike my hair color).

Ugh. Speaking of hair color.. It's fading.. I'm buying dye. I NEED to redo it. It's bugging me. Never bleach your hair for any reason.. even to make highlights look brighter.. it NEVER goes away........

Listening to music.. I wanted to DL on here and burn it to my CDRW.. but the computer blocks me from doing that.. what a whore ugh... theres some stuff I wanted and I have dial up at home so I can't get it. It's such a butthead.............

Check out the bands website.
www.autumnflame.com
I need to change my bio on there. I sound like an idiot. I didn't take Pat seriously when she told us to write it, so I did a really poor job. Oh well's.

Well no more boyfriend. I ended it. I'm officially over it to be honest. I had a like breakthrough today. I've been upset all week and something just clicked and yeah, I'm fine now. I guess it's getting used to the bullshit. I don't need to deal with that anymore.
Alrighty luke is reading over my shoulder. So i'm going to shush.
Nosy nosy. nosy brit.

The human species is horrible.
Selfish.
Self-destructive.

I dislike two-faced people.

I have a boyfriend. He's beautiful and has the best personality ever.
I miss my best friend Savannah. I had a dream about her last night.. I'm going crazy.

Lot's of stress.. Not fun. I have a lot to bring up with my Dad, I'm not trying to think about that though. I don't like feeling stressed.

I emailed him. That's all I can do. He won't care, right? It's a photoshoot. What harm can come of a free band photoshoot? It's on a Saterday also and it's not an all day thing..

Everything will be fine. I'm just the biggest worry wart.

I am definately a freak. Well my family is rather odd. I was upset yesterday about a picture of ants ransacking a drum set so I called Savannah crying. She made me laugh about it. I love her to death. Then I got off the phone and was being all emo again. My Mom comes into the room with her guitar and starts singing "Keith is a cry! Keith is a cry! Keith is a crybaby!" over and over and over again (jokingly though. she doesn't mean that really. She was just trying to make me feel better). It was making me pissed. She kept going though. She followed me through the whole house with the guitar.

Then she wouldn't talk to me. She'd sing everything and make it over dramatic and she'd start singing about her experiences with "Flip Flop Phil", "Big Head Bob" and "Gay man Harry" and "FILTHY Rich". It was actually funny.. She made me feel better.. Rich was a dirty pig though.. gah.

Soo.. yeah... I'm totally nuts and as is my mother. Unique though.

I also confronted her about some stuff yesterday concerning things I saw when I was little in Dad and her's relationship. I got the honest answers. Some I pried into a little too much.. but I'm satisfied.

My hair is cut. I like it. It's cute. The color is kick butt also.

Alrighty byes.